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Message posted by sodapoptart on 18 July 2010 at 4:25pm - IP Logged
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| sodapoptart |
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Standard Member
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AZ
19 August 2010
608 Posts |
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BOB THE CHICKEN
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Bob.’
Bob was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for.
Send me back!’
St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’
’Not bad,’ replied Bob the hen, ’but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I’m gonna explode!’
’You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster.
’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’
’Never,’ said Bob.
’Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster.
’It’s no big deal.’
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"BOB, wake up! You s* the bed!"
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Message posted by sodapoptart on 19 July 2010 at 11:50pm - IP Logged
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| sodapoptart |
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Standard Member
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AZ
19 August 2010
608 Posts |
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Subject: Honesty
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken
is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher
was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do,
too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other
children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried
chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and
told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now... |
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Message posted by sodapoptart on 21 July 2010 at 4:12pm - IP Logged
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| sodapoptart |
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Standard Member
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AZ
19 August 2010
608 Posts |
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’The Dangers of Casual E-Mailing’
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter on the address and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a loud scream, and fell to the floor in a faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room, and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE... |
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Message posted by sodapoptart on 23 July 2010 at 4:25pm - IP Logged
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| sodapoptart |
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Standard Member
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AZ
19 August 2010
608 Posts |
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DEAF WIFE....."priceless "
A manfeared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here’s what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on untilyou get a
response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, ’Honey, what’s for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey,what’s for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey,what’s for dinner?"
Again no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what’s fordinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her... "Honey,what’s for dinner?"
(I just love this)
"Ralph,for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!" |
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Message posted by sodapoptart on 26 July 2010 at 5:50am - IP Logged
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| sodapoptart |
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Standard Member
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AZ
19 August 2010
608 Posts |
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Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest,
one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I’m impressed
by the effort you two are putting into your work but I don’t get it... why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team
but today the girl who plants the trees called in sick." |
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Message posted by sodapoptart on 05 August 2010 at 6:02pm - IP Logged
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| sodapoptart |
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Standard Member
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AZ
19 August 2010
608 Posts |
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Two good ‘ole boys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. As they approached it they were amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says "Wow, that’s some hole. I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says" I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There’s this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
While they are standing there listening and looking over the edge they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in head first.
Standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" The old farmer said "Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!" |
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Message posted by sodapoptart on 05 August 2010 at 6:04pm - IP Logged
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| sodapoptart |
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Standard Member
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AZ
19 August 2010
608 Posts |
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An old man in Dillon, SC had a large pond in the back of his property.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with a bench, new landscaping, and some white birch trees.
One evening the he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket so he could clean up a little around the pond.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ’we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ’I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’
Holding the bucket up he said, ’I’m here to feed the alligator.’
Some old men can still think fast. |
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Topic: YUCK YUCKS
